Being "in care"

should mean being in a safe place. It should mean being cared for by someone who actually cares about you.

It is becoming increasingly obvious that it does mean either of those things. We apparently have an increasing number of children who, having escaped one abusive place of residence, find themselves in another abusive place of residence.  

Even allowing for the exaggerated press coverage of the issue it is clear there is a problem and that the problem is growing. Why?

Perhaps it is time to rethink the entire situation. It might mean making some very hard choices. Is it really right for a fourteen year old girl "in care" to become pregnant, give birth, and even be encouraged to keep the baby?  

I think of my friend S... whose son H... has made what has to be described as a "poor choice" of partner. The girl in question is emotionally unstable, very "needy" and demanding. H... and his partner made the disastrous decision to have a child. It was perhaps done with the best of intentions but all it has done is make matters much worse. H...'s partner has now realised that having a child is a life-long commitment. There is a realisation that you give part of yourself, your relationship with others and much more. She is coming to realise that it also requires time, time she would rather have for other things. It requires a financial commitment and she would rather spend the money on other things. Her career is on hold for now at least. Constant calls to her partner because the child wants attention are not going to solve her problems. No, this girl does not have post-natal depression but she is telling everyone she wishes they had never had a child, that she does not love him, that he is a waste of her time and more.

S... is now, rightly, worried that the relationship will break down completely and S... and her family will be left to care for another child. S... is already into her seventies. It is a problem she does not need. Whatever happens it is likely this child will be cared for by family rather than go "into care". 

That may seem the obvious solution in this case but what of the girl who already comes from a situation where family relationships have broken down? Is she really mature and stable enough to care for a child, finish school, go on to further study or employment? The answer is almost certainly not.

In all this isn't it time to care about what happens to the child? I know adoption doesn't always work out well but it does work in more cases than not. Having a child in your care for years, as some do, always knowing they can be taken from you to be returned to their birth mother is emotionally draining. If you are doing the job properly then it is a situation where you are constantly on edge. It does affect relationships. I have talked to teenagers "in care" and they say the uncertainties cause too much tension.

Do we actually need more "tough love"? Would it help?