breaking, disintegrating, falling apart, dissolving....something. We still haven't got the children out of danger and I suppose that has something to do with the way I am feeling.
I know there are other children in situations which are just as dangerous but this feels personal because I have been peripherally involved and I know one of the people involved. He is one of the few I have met and I know how often he has put his own life in danger - too often.
Over the years I have tried to "switch off", not become too involved. It is the only way to do the job. It might not be PTSD - that is something far worse - but you can still get too involved. Then you can't function. You can't help anyone. You end up being the person who needs help.
It is why I did two things yesterday. The first thing I did was go to the "last Tuesday of the month" meeting at the local bookshop. It's a knitting group. It's small and it is as much about support as it is about knitting. I am supposed to be the "leader" of the group. All that means is that, if questions are asked, I am the person the bookshop staff go to. That's fine. I can cope with it. There were only four people there yesterday. I think school starting and illness may have had something to do with it. I put a note into the post for one person yesterday. She has been having chemo and we have to leave it up to her as to when she feels physically and emotionally ready to return. I just want her to know we are there for her when she is ready. I'll ring another person today and pop a note into someone else's letter box. The others I don't have a means of contact for and they are not regulars.
Doing that made me feel better. I've stuck my paw in the dyke which was threatening to overwhelm me.
The second thing I did was write a difficult email, one I have been putting off for several weeks. I couldn't write it until I was sure that the person I was writing to had not come to the same group yesterday. I had tried by including her in the group email notices. There had been no response.
It's a complicated situation, complicated by her own behaviour. I've been trying, not very successfully, to reach out to her. I wasn't going to try again but something told me, "Don't give up."
And I have had a response. It isn't encouraging but it is a start and it has told me, once again, that you should never give up on anyone.