Yes domestic violence is a "two" issue

but perhaps not quite in the way some people think.

The red headed politician some of us love to loathe said something about this yesterday and was immediately castigated for it. She was saying DV is a "two way street" - that women are also able to commit domestic violence.  

Yes, that is true. It is something which is often overlooked. It may not even be recognised. Women are generally smaller and not as strong as men. The form the violence takes can be different too.

But is throwing a pan of hot chip fat or hurling the iron at someone really any different? There are women who have done that. There are women who have assaulted their parters, who have murdered them or their children.  It may not, thankfully, be nearly as common but it does happen.

I thought about this after hearing the complaints about what was said. I thought back to a family I knew in my childhood. He was the only policeman in a small country town. She was his shrewish partner. As an adult I can recognise that the marriage was not in good shape. The children were not well cared for and frequently had bruises from the beatings given them - given them by their mother, not their father. Divorce was much more difficult then and the children would have been put in the care of their mother, not their father. The couple stayed together and the children suffered the consequences. I met one of them years later and none of them had made a success of their lives.

I wonder how different it is now when it is the woman rather than the man - or even perhaps both of them - who are the perpetrators of the violence? What about the children? It is surely a "two way street" then...so called adults and the children. 

Not all women are natural mothers, nor do they want to be. They do not "love" their children. The children happened. They wish they had never had them. They do not want the responsibility for them. 

As a teacher I actually had mothers who told me that. "I'll be glad when they are off my hands" was said with the sort of vehemence that tells you it is actually true. Their children are fed and clothed but they are regarded as a nuisance, something that gets in the way of what the adult wants to do.  They can cope with the financial "burden" but giving up time as well is too much. In the worst cases it leads to physical violence and even death but, for many, it is the emotional violence which does so much harm. Yes, it is violence if you are constantly being told you are not wanted, a burden, or someone cannot wait to be rid of you. 

Adults saying that sort of thing to one another as well is another form of abuse. It is very harmful both to the person it is directed at and to those around them. It is a type of violence but because nobody shows any physical signs it is too often ignored.

Relationships are of course incredibly complex things but castigating someone for saying domestic violence is a "two way street" is to ignore the harm done - and how it can be done. I remember the policeman's children and how the harm done followed them into adulthood. Was it then directed on to the next generation? Quite probably it was.