Forty-three babies have been taken

from their parents so far this year. This is according to a report in this morning's paper. 

There were the usual words about how dreadful this is - and it is - but it is interesting to note who the focus was on. It was on how dreadful this is for the parents, not the child.

I often think the children are given less consideration than the parents in these cases. All too often they are passed backwards and forwards as if they are objects and have the right to be possessed. 

Some time ago I remember talking to a grandparent who had to leave another event early. It was time to pick up two children from school. His wife was home minding two other children. They come from two different families.

His words shocked the little group I was in. They went something like, "These are the designer kids. I don't know why they bothered. Our daughter didn't want children. We take their kids to everything."

At the time I thought he was exaggerating but, talking to his wife later, I discovered that they are effectively bringing up their grandchildren. It has not been done by choice. Perhaps it started when the two children at school were born. They are twins and they arrived despite birth control measures. Their mother could not cope. The other two children are their son's children and their daughter-in-law is a professional person who has also gone back to work. 

Yes, the children have been in and out of "day care" as well but there is still a heavy load for the grandparents. They do it out of love for their grandchildren and the belief they can give better care than the children would get with strangers. This is almost certainly true and I am glad the children have their grandparents but I wonder about their relationship with their parents. 

"Oh we have "quality time" together," I remember a mother telling me as she picked up her child from a neighbour.  Her genuine belief was that a short time devoted entirely to the child each evening was sufficient. It was as good as parenting for extended periods.

I remember all too well the stress the Whirlwind's father felt when he was trying to be both parents to his daughter. He desperately wanted to be there for her. When she had to board at school they talked every night. It did not matter where he was in the world or what time it was where he was she knew that her father would call her. They spent time together at weekends doing simple things like cleaning the house, gardening, going for a bike ride together, visiting the library. He worried that he was not being "hands on" enough. It was not perfect. Nothing ever is but he was doing the best he could. His own poor state of health now has in part to be due to the loss of the person who meant more to him than anyone else. 

I want to shake people who believe that children can be passed backwards and forwards as parents appear to be "coping". This is not how you bring up children. Yes, we are short of foster parents but this is one of the reasons we are short of them. Who wants to take on the responsibility for a child for a few weeks or months or even a year only to have them taken away? All too often they are taken away and then, when things "don't work out", they are taken away again...and again...and again. Who is really thinking about the children?

The grandparents above are trying to avoid that. They are trying to make sure the children in their care are really being cared for and I can only admire them for it. The real question though  has to be, "Is anyone really thinking about the children?"