Committing suicide

is often seen as the ultimate, selfish act. It is the people left behind who are not just grieving but who often feel immense guilt. There are all the "why didn't we know?" and "I wish.." and "I could have..." and much more.

Yesterday someone I had never seen before came walking very slowly along our street. She was walking a dog I didn't know either. Like most dogs it was sniffing and leaving marks. It looked at me and, as I usually do, I spoke to it. The dog, as they usually do, responded.

Then I looked at the woman. She was obviously distressed and, before I could stop myself,  I asked, "Are you okay?"

She shook her head, tried to stop the dog from jumping up to me and then sat down suddenly on our low front fence. Something made me sit down next to her and wait. If she wanted to talk I would listen. If she did not want to talk that was fine. I talked to the dog and let her compose herself.

"Sorry," she managed after a moment, "I'm just walking him because my son doesn't feel like leaving the house right now. I thought I'd come somewhere where nobody knows us."

I nodded. 

"I've always thought he was too hard on the children and now it has come back on him in the worst possible way."

I thought I could guess the rest but of course I couldn't ask. Then she asked, "Have you got children?"

"No - I was guardian for one."

"Was..."

"She died very suddenly - of natural causes."

The woman nodded and then said, "I am not sure that would be any easier for her parents."

I did not explain. It would not have been what she wanted to hear right then. There was more silence and then she said, "I just wish he had told him he was proud of him sometimes. He was a good boy, never any real trouble. He did the best he could at school but it was never good enough for his father. They'll get his exam results soon...oh God! It's so awful! It's such a bloody waste! Why couldn't they talk to each other!" 

The dog gave a little whine and put his paws up. She picked him up and he licked her face just once - as if he knew she needed comfort. 

I thought of the Police Commissioner's son and his parents. They are going through the sort of hell that no parent should go through but they know it was an accident. It wasn't the "ultimate selfish act".

The woman stood up again. She attempted to smile at me and said, "Thanks for listening." 

The dog was already straining at the leash, anxious to explore new territory. I watched them go. I am not sure I was even listening to her though. I was thinking about other people instead. We really are incredibly selfish human beings. The dog had more idea than I did.