"They did not want me"

my friend M... told me. I had already known this but I was not aware she knew it in quite such a stark way.

M.... is profoundly deaf. English is her third language - after Canadian sign language and French.  Communicating with her is difficult but I have done the best I can. I have done it because she is very, very lonely here.

A few people have had the best of intentions. They will write things down for her to read.  Even that has problems. They will use words in ways she does not understand or put things in ways that cause problems. When things go wrong they think she is "stupid" rather than realising that something does not make sense to her.

M... tries to lip read but lip movements here are different enough that there is a problem with that as well.

And yes, I have problems too. Even finger-spelling something has issues. M... is used to using a one-handed alphabet. I use a two handed one. Rather than get me to use her one-handed one M... uses a two-handed one for me. M... knows that my manual dexterity issues make it hard for me to sign to her. She is very patient with me. Our conversations are very slow and stilted.

She came late yesterday with her husband C... He is not deaf but he grew up in a community where many people are deaf. Talking to his wife in signs comes naturally to him. M... was excited. They are going back for a wedding this coming week but have a three day stopover in Japan on the way.

They had been to look at the Handicrafts at our annual Show. M... had put three items in the competition - and won two first prizes and a second. She was delighted at first but that delight was almost lost in the realisation that one prize was donated by a group which had told her she was not welcome to join them. C... tells me she has decided to return the prize money to them. That is how much it hurt.

Yes, there would have been problems. I cannot go to that group. She would have needed to go only on the occasions that C.... could go with her and help with communication. It was something she was willing to try but when a member of their small home church group inquired the response was rather odd. When M... sent an email asking about joining she received no reply at all. No, they did not want her. It was better to ignore her and all the potential embarrassment.

I am ashamed at the way a visitor to this country has been made to feel so unwelcome.  It was made even worse by M... hugging me and telling me I have been such a good friend. I haven't been such a good friend. I should have made a much bigger effort. I know M... laughs and tells me we cannot knit or crochet and talk as well but is that really the reason I have not insisted she came to our little group? O should have done more. 

C... tells me M... might not come back with him for a while. They are obviously deeply in love with one another but she is also very lonely here. We could have done so much more to help her feel welcome. I am ashamed of myself and the group which did not make her welcome.