An "arranged marriage"

can work, of course it can. There have been arranged marriages throughout history. Some have been successful, even very successful. Others have proved disastrous, even resulting in death.

There is an article in this morning's paper saying that someone has finally been convicted of forcing a young woman to marry against her will. There is now legislation which is intended to prevent that but it will almost certainy go on happening.

When I was still at school, an all girls state high school at the time, one of the girls left to get married. No, she was not pregnant. She simply came from a Greek family where marriage was considered to be the "right" thing for a girl and for the man to be chosen for her. I met her again some years later. She had two children and seemed content enough.  Perhaps it did work for her. She had no ambition to work outside the home, indeed would not have had any skills to do so. For T... looking after her husband, her husband's grandparents (who spoke no English) and other relatives was sufficient. 

I have sometimes wondered whether she still feels that way. It would be interesting to meet her again and find out. I know too that most of the other Greek girls attending the school and some of the other girls from migran backgrounds were expecting to do much the same. They might get office positions, often with a family member or friend but they expected to marry, have children and be a wife and mother before anything else.

What I don't know of is any of those girls being forced to marry against their will. Some of them may have felt under some pressure but there did not appear to be a level of compulsion that they could not handle. I may be wrong.

I know I am not wrong about the girl from the very strict religious sect who approached me in the library. Her "can my father make me marry someone?" still leaves me feeling deep disturbed. The courage it must have taken to approach me as no more than "S...'s friend" is something I will always admire. While the Greek girls from my school days might have endured problems, even serious problems, with family relations for a short while they would not have lost everything. 

When she "ran away" the girl who spoke to me left everything behind. In this case I do mean everything. She left her family with nothing more than the clothes she was wearing. She has had absolutely no contact since that time. 

Recently I saw the neighbour who helped her when she made her move.  M... told me, "She still struggles. I think she will always struggle."

I think she will too. Her family have completely cut her off. She no longer exists for them. Her two sisters have gone on to marry according to their father's wishes. There are four brothers and three are married. S...'s mother told me about this in the fruit and veg area of the supermarket. She was looking around nervously as she spoke to me because conversation with outsiders is not encouraged. 

I asked about the youngest boy and her expression changed. "They lost him," she tells me. I know better than to ask any more. It is extraordinary that she has told me that much. No, he has not died but he too is dead to them. I wonder how many other children have left their families, how much longer their parents can continue to retain such tight control. How much longer can their church wield such power over them? 

I doubt those marriages are anything like the wonderful marriage my paternal grandparents had. No, that marriage was not "perfect" but it was exceptional and their very obvious happiness was often commented on. Grandma essentially "ran away". Her father strongly disapproved of Grandpa. Great-grandpa had other ideas about the marriages of his daughters. Despite that Grandma retained contact with her family. Her brother "gave her away" at the wedding. Years later, along with her sister, she cared for her parents in their extreme old age.  

Perhaps those parents growing older now could consider that and how much it might mean to have children who cared enough to care.