must be terrifying.
I am trying, once again, to understand how this must feel. A friend of mine is in just this position yet again. When she is well she is a wonderful help to everyone else. Someone needs a lift somewhere? She will take them. Someone needs a meal? She will cook it? Someone is in hospital? She goes to visit. Someone needs support at home after hospital? She will do it.
She had a career as a medical technician and her attention to details would have made her a valued member of staff.
I saw her yesterday. She apologised for not coming to my event last Saturday. As she spoke her eyes filled with tears. She had made food for it and was getting ready to leave when - suddenly - she knew she couldn't face the drive or the company or anything else. It wasn't that she didn't want to do it. She did but she couldn't do it.
It isn't about being "shy". It is something much much darker than that.
I hugged my friend. I held her tight. I told her I understood...and I do understand on one level but I know it is not in the way she needs. Perhaps somebody who has been through similar episodes of depression would understand more than I can. I don't know.
I told her I am at the other end of the phone - any time. If she needs me I want to be there for her.
"It's just a little downward blip," she told me - trying to sound positive. We both know it could be more than that. Last time this happened she was in hospital.
Someone else at the meeting we were both attending asked me why my friend couldn't "just try and think more positively". It wasn't said unkindly but it was said with an almost complete lack of understanding.
Somebody with depression doesn't want to be depressed. It's an awful state to be in. If they could "just snap out of it" they would.
And I am selfish enough to hope it never happens to me.