There was a piece in yesterday's paper which disturbed me. It is about a new piece of social training in preschools, kindergartens and early school. It is about teaching children to "ask babies their permission to hug them".
Yes of course it is a little bit more complex than that but it is one of those ideas that has a small grain of "good" in it which is then turned into teaching children a range of behaviours currently deemed to be correct but which may not actually be what is for the best.
As a "grown up" I do not generally hug people I don't know or I know do not like to be hugged. I once hugged someone I didn't know at all. She was a complete stranger but the situation demanded it. She responded by clinging to me and weeping. I don't know how I knew but I knew I had done the right thing. Part of it surely had to be something I had been able to learn in kittenhood?
I loathed being hugged by my maternal grandparents. I loved being hugged by my paternal grandparents. I knew instinctively the difference between them and the reasons for the hugs I was given. My siblings were the same. "Boys don't hug" Brother Cat would tell our maternal grandparents when he would wrap his paternal grandmother with a hug.
I hugged someone I knew only by sight the day she burst into tears in the greengrocer and admitted her daughter had recently committed suicide. I see her occasionally and she has never forgotten it. Indeed she once introduced me as "Cat, was one of those people who was there when I needed it most." She is intensely loyal to the greengrocer who moved everyone out of the way so I could hold her.
I hugged a friend who normally does not like being hugged when I went to the funeral of her partner. It was right on that occasion.
We have to teach children when hugging is appropriate but trying to tell them they need to ask permission of a baby is wrong. Ask permission of the parent? Yes. That way they will learn the proper boundaries and respect.
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Babies do have clear tells and "no"'s when it comes to touching in general, not just hugs.
As many of the examples you have do show.
And they have no incentive to hide or mask their body language - so they are very vulnerable indeed.
In the Eighties I was taught "It is best not to touch little children".
[and I was not a kitten - I was more like a tiger].
And during COVID-19 people have been far more chary about touching in general except in those extreme emotional situations.
There are people normalising asking permission/consent for functional and practical tasks.
And the whole power gradient aspect.
How frightening even a child a few years older can be to a newborn or infant because of the way they move.
And this is the sort of advice that can split communities apart depending on how it is applied and interpreted.
It could even be taken as a form of ageism.
Dr Sarah M Zate from Texas wrote about just this point in her Consent series - she is a paediatrician and she serves populations which have been traditionally targeted like this [and who have a heightened risk of violence; abuse; neglect and exploitation through intimates; acquaintances and strangers].
She also deals with the wider and larger problem of children who have NOT been taught or told that they COULD ask permission of their elders [who are not necessarily their betters in this matter; serving their own needs] or ask permission to touch their peers.
Think of the way that domesticated animals communicate as well - like cats and dogs are not normally so huggy as many humans would prefer them to be. Other smaller, cuter animals tend to get it in the neck [Cute Aggression is a thing and I hope the newspaper article talked about that as a point].
Your examples show - when people come to you for comfort - do not refuse it even if it is painful or inconvenient for you temporarily or even embarrassing.
[and embarrassing and embrace have almost the same word root].
Or have children observe more generally outside institutionalised settings - in intergenerational spaces for instance - how other parents and children interact. This has been less and less encouraged over the past few years.
Brother Cat's response is great.
He was responding to the formality of the maternal grandparents and giving them a reason that they would understand and saving his face.
[There is a really good philosophical piece from the Philosophy Man about saving face for people who were/are about the age of Brother Cat].
He was also setting a boundary.
And it also shows the principle of the proxy/nominee who is prepared to act for that person.
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