"When your partner dies

they take with them your future" says Richard Coles in his book "The madness of grief."

Perhaps when a parent dies they take with them your past, or at least much of it. I am trying to work that out.

The Senior Cat would have been 100 today. Yesterday someone mentioned that to me and asked, "Why do you call him the Senior Cat when you write about him?" 

I managed to smile at that. It brought back a good memory. For many years I was my father's daughter or my grandfather's granddaughter. You know the sort of thing I mean I am sure.You are introduced as "this is J's daughter" or "this is B's granddaughter".  It can happen even now. In our family it was particularly so. The Senior Cat was "the teacher" or "the headmaster" or "the person who took the service on Sunday" or who was the person in some other role. Our paternal grandfather was known for other reasons but in a similar way. They were highly respected. We kittens were expected to live up to the standards they set.

And then, some years ago now, someone did the complete opposite. I was at an event at which I had been on a panel of speakers. The Senior Cat had come in to the venue to pick me up so we could both go somewhere else. As we were trying to leave one of the writers present said to another, "And this is her father." It was the other way around.

"Yes, I am the Senior Cat," he said as he shook hands...and that was it. He has been the Senior Cat ever since. 

He loved cats. Somehow we all became cats...my brother is "Brother Cat", one sister is "Middle Cat" being the middle one of three girls, the youngest is the "Black Cat" because of the trouble she has caused.  Our mother was no longer alive. I am sure she would have been "Mother Cat" but "Father Cat" was not right for the Senior Cat. He always managed to retain some of that childish wonder about the world and find joy in it.

When we had two cats of our own I came home one afternoon to find the Senior Cat lying on the floor. There was nothing wrong except it was a very hot day and that was the coolest place to be. The Senior Cat just wanted a few minutes rest on coming in from essential garden work.  One of the cats was sitting on the Senior Cat's chest and the two of them were talking to each other. He was murmuring nice words to the cat and the cat was responding with small "purrups". They understood one another very well indeed. It was a very Senior Cat sort of moment. 

I miss moments like that more than I miss any of the major events in our lives.